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You know, a while back at church, we were asked if we were ready to live our lives for Christ.
I felt that Jeff and I had already done that, involving all of us, including our family.
Specifically, I heard Christ ask if I would die for Him. I thought long and hard about that- I have always been afraid of death. I answered yes to that question.
Tonight I feel that I have been asked that again, but in a different way, would I allow Jeff to die for Christ? Not that I had any say in the matter, it's Jeff's life, and ultimately God's plans for Jeff.
But am I willing to trust the Lord and His plans for Jeff?
Am I willing to let go of Jeff for God's plans for me?
Am I willing to trust God enough to be at peace with the idea of my husband dying?
Tough Question!!
Tonight Jeff had to drive a friend to the not-so-friendly side of Nashville, the "projects." But not only that, Jeff had to wait in his car while his friend went into another car trying to get his "lost" cellphone back. It scared me so much. I thought, Lord, I'm not ready to give him up yet!! Please protect him!
And of course, I know fear is not from the Lord, so I then felt bad for being afraid. I know ultimately I'd be okay, in that...God would take care of me, He'd be the great healer- but -
Jeff is my best friend. He's my joy, my laughter, my comfort, my peacekeeper, my calmer-downer when I need one, my thermometer when I don't realize I'm getting so angry, my protector when I just need two strong arms to hold me. He's my alarm clock with a good loving kick/pat when I just can't seem to get up in the morning. He's the "Grillmaster," the "fixer" when I screw up hanging a curtain or whatever it is I messed up. He's my prayer partner, my spiritual cheerleader, my feet warmer when I can't take the chill out of my toes. He's the wardrobe judge when I need one, the ladder-climber when we need one, the computer handy-man, the driver, the lover, the listener, the last-minute-on-the-way-home-milk-buyer and the one I choose to put stickers on my calendar for. He's my nail-biting police, my last-minute-people-coming-over-toilet-scrubber, my reminder"er" my "body-appreciator"...no matter what shape it's in. He's my guy I run to to take the fish off my hook when I can't seem to get the "guts" to do it myself. He's the one I can vent to about the stupid petty things in life or the grandiose political messes. So God, as much as it hurts to say "yes, I give Jeff to you"....please keep him around for a while. And thank you, Lord. Thank you for Jeff. |
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I was thinking today about the relationship God had with Eve.
The God who is, was and always will be, who knows the future.
He knows who we are before He ever breathes life into us or begins to knit us together at the very moment of conception.
God knew Eve was going to take a bite and cause the fall of the human race.
God knew Adam was going to fail at being the spiritual leader of his household, fail at keeping his perfect helper from harm- even if it was harming herself.
God knew all this, and yet He still created Adam and loved him.
And He still created Eve for Adam, knowing what lied ahead.
He still created her with such tenderness and entrusted the population of the entire human race to her.
And God still chooses me. He knew everything I would ever do. He knows the desires of my hearts. He knows my weaknesses. He knew my failures long before He ever breathed life in me, and before He ever opened my eyes and heart and breathed His Holy Spirit into me. He knew all this, and yet He still chooses me. Not chose, but chooses me. He continues to use me even though He knows I will fail at times. That's some amazing love! |
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| So today I was feeling a little \"blah\" In a rut. No good reason, either. The sun was shining, it was warm. I took my daughter to zoo class and had a wonderful day. So throughout the day, I felt that perhaps I was being spiritually attacked, that perhaps my joy was in danger. So I lifted my eyes to the Lord and told Him I would choose to look for the blessings and prayed that He would take care of me. Tonight I do feel better. But I definitely think that it took recognizing it and praying for and through it. I think I need a couple hours with my Bible and the quiet stillness to just focus on my Lord for a while. Because the reason why I feel blah...is because of me. |
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